Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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