Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
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on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
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Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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