Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I don't deserve a penis
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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