everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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