So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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