I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
