She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
