2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
