My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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