I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
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This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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