Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
