truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
