Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
