A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
