I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
