To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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