Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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