There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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