My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
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Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
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Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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