he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
