I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
