we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
