you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
