Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
