apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
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I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
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Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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