I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
