I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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