My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
