I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
