I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
