So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
