can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just blew my weed a kiss
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Who put my cat in the fridge?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
