I need help removing her.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
