If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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