Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
