Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
