He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
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Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
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You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
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