you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
