so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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