I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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