gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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