I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
