I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
