You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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