Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Randomize
