Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
