And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
