Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
