I just pynch a tree in the face
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
