I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
