By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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