Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
