i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
