ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
