I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
