Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
